Sometimes all I want to do is just vanish away...

Sometimes all I want to do is just vanish away,

mourn my own death just to shed some tears away,

death becomes equivalent to life when you are not living at times

I just feel like what the hell am I even doing ?

A tear trickled down my cheek as I thought of death

but its not like I saw a rainbow in the sky to start humming,

work has become an excuse for me to hide away from everyone

I told dear but when the day ends I become someone I don't want,

All I want is to be someone who I cannot see in the mirror,

Sometimes all I want to do is just vanish away,

A friend who is "there" in literal sense, a lover who "stays"

long enough to actually fall in love and a son who "listens"

I couldn't be anything but I hope someone stays in your life who just listens,

I am at my own funeral, people, people whom I didn't even know

are shedding their tears and comforting my parents,

"death comforted his pain, he is in a better place".

"fuck no, I wanted to live for god's sake",

I shout loud but nobody listens,

At time when I wish that sleep could be the shortcut to death,

I still hope that somebody would care,

A friend who is "there" in literal sense, a lover who "stays"

long enough to actually fall in love and a son who "listens",

You could be nothing,

We both failed, didn't we ?

Sometimes I just want to do vanish away...

my friends have "cool" friends, the girl I like have even cooler

friends and here I'm lamenting about my anguish,

you all are going to get bored of me eventually,

I hate my own smile and there's no way you will like me,

A friend/lover who I knew a year back once snapped at me, "You aren't mature

like your poems, you are not the same,

I begged her to stay and ultimately things ended badly for which I still blame myself,

One thing which I learnt was that don't ever be a lover before being a friend.

Pain has become your everything and you are

left with "nothing" in the end,

"Why don't you just let it go ?",I listen to you and sigh,

"All I want to do is let go off the pain, but my pain has become a host and I..."

"A mere refugee begging to dwell,"

you shy away from my depression like I am guilty of things I couldn't say,

you leave,

my guilt says,

Your depression has fucked up your mind,

I don't know whether you are being kind or just want to go away..

Sometimes all I want to do just vanish away ,

I don't know what it feels when snow touches the skin or

the smile that lingers across your face while you build a snowman with

your girl you love, I don't even know what it feels to get up and

take a first breathe of realizing my future mistakes,

I don't even know if staying is worth at all,

My mom asked me few days ago with a melancholic voice,

"Did you forget to write me a poem on my birthday ?",

I smiled at her, locked my room and stayed awake form the entire night,

I wonder why eulogy is better than a poem ? "haha",

Is it because we love someone even more when they are dead ?...

On certain mornings I wake up, I feel like running across the streets

and announcing my sins like they were a circus at the moment,

At night I go to sleep thinking they would be extra

at vulnerable like drowsy Saturday afternoon scolding,

I have forgotten what it feels like when you hug someone,

when two hearts collide,

does the sadness gets divided evenly ?

If our hearts collide, will your heart even deny to share my pain ?,

I have forgotten what it feels to be happy,

Goddamn, this night is again going to be lonely,

you will ask me to stay,

Don't worry, I will again stare at the blank sky,

paint the darkest thoughts with a paint brighter,

than my shadow, ask lord for forgiveness and stay awake for the rest of the night,

this world is a quicksand, and you all will need a hand to survive,

and here I m lying 6 feet all alone but the moon looks beautiful tonight,

Just give me a minute alright ?

before my mind clogs and buries my alive...